Important Points From "How To Win Friends And Influence People" (Part II) - Issue #5
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PART THREE โ HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
Principle 1 โ Avoid Argument By Tact And Conciliationย
Most peopleโs first reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. If this argument is with the person of authority (no matter how much small or big), that person would assert his authority so that he/she can get his/her feeling of importance.
Nine out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
The Two Results of Argument
If you lose it, you lose it.
If you win it, you lose it.
Why You Still Lose Even When You're Winning?
You have made the other person feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And A MAN CONVINCED AGAINST HIS WILL IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL.
Which Would You Rather Have?
An academic theatrical victory, or
A person's good will
You can seldom have both.
If You Want A Personโs Good Will Do This Insteadย
Watch out for your first reaction and keep calm
First, let your opponent talk and listen attentively
While listening look for areas of agreement and where you can admit error
When you start speaking, first dwell on the points and areas on which you agreeย
Apologize for your mistake (DO NOT resist, defend or debate)
Try to build bridges of understanding with honesty
If the above steps are not enough, (1st) thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Because, anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things as you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends. (2nd) Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem andย over your opponents' ideas โ suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear.
Why Spend More Time And Energy Doing This?
Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: "We tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."ย
Some Hard Questions To Help You Prepare For The Next Meeting
Could my opponent be right? Partly right?
Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve my frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
Will I win or lose?
What price will I have to pay if I win?
If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
The Result
Conversations focus on ideas (in contrary to ego satisfaction)
Better understanding of each otherโs view point
Healthy and strengthen relationship afterwards
Principle 2 - Never Say, "You're wrong." (By a look, intonation, gesture or words)
Even when we are certain that people are wrong in certain stance, they don't think they are!
Most of citizens don't want to change their minds about their religion or their hair cut or communism or their favorite movie star.ย
We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it.ย
We not only resent the imputation that our watch is wrong, or our car is shabby, but that our conception of the canals of Mars, of the pronunciation of "Epictetus," of the medicinal value of Salicin, or of the date of Sargon I is subject to revision.
It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are clear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened... the little word "my" is the most important one in human affairs, and probably to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom.
Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship.
What Not To Do?
Don't stir others up and tell them they are wrong.ย
What Would Happen If You Do?
You ONLY succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity. Hurt feelings by striking a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect.
They will definitely strike back.
It will never make them want to change their minds rather they are more likely to cling on it more than ever.
Makes you an unwelcome part of any discussion.ย
Make enemies.
What To Do Instead Of Telling Them That They're Wrong?
"Agree with thine adversary quickly." ~ Jesus
Success in dealing with people depends on a SYMPATHETIC GRASP of the OTHER PERSON'S VIEWPOINT.
Show respect for all other peoples' opinions.
Permit yourself to understand the other person.ย
Put yourself in his/her place and ask yourself questions such as "How would I feel? How would I react if I were in his shoes?"And โWhy should he or she want to do it?"
Ask questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and insist on continual that the other person is right.
If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong- yes, even that you know is wrong- use some phrases such as: "Well now, look, I thought otherwise, but I MAY BE WRONG, I FREQUENTLY AM. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts."
Whenever you want to change people's minds, don't let anybody know it! - do it subtly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
"Men must be taught as if you taught them not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot." ~ Alexander Pope
The Result
Ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.
Save yourself from TIME WASTAGE and IRRITATION.
Get the key to the other person actions, perhaps to his personality.
Sharply increase your skill in human relationships.
Avoid making enemies and will get better results - and with less friction and less shoe leather.ย
Besides, nobody will ever object to your saying: "I MAY BE WRONG. LET'S EXAMINE THE FACTS." All argument will stop and inspire your opponents to be just as fair and open and broad minded as you are. By admitting that you may be wrong, you will also make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
"Be diplomatic. It will help you gain your point." ~ King Akhtoi of Egypt
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad- mindedness.
"You cannot teach a man anything: you can only help him to find it within himself." ~ Galileo
Principle 3 - If You Are Wrong, Admit It Quickly And Emphatically
It is much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips.ย
"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."
Do
Do criticize yourself in front of that person who is going to criticize you. Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them.ย
The Result
Your eagerness to criticize yourself will take all the fight out of him.
When you begin to condemn yourself, the only way for the other person (who wants a feeling of importance) to nourish his self-esteem is to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
The affair will be terminated graciously with you taking that person's side (condemning yourself) and him/her taking your side (defending you).
It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. Besides, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstance, than trying to defend oneself.
Principle 4 - Begin In A Friendly Way
If a man heart is ranking with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.
Scolding parents, domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds.
They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.ย
"A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." ~ Abraham Lincoln
It is a friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that wins.
So with men, if you would win a man to you cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend!
Do
Greet people friendly with good will and enthusiasm.
Appreciate and compliment every good thing sincerely (instead of complaining).
Tell the other person the cause that makes you want his help/cooperation (instead of telling him what he should do).
Use soft-spoken, quiet and friendly approach.
The Result
You will highly increase your chance of getting help/cooperation you want, and probably more than you could imagine of. Moreover, you will make friends.ย
Principle 5 - Get The Other Person Saying "Yes, Yes" Immediately
Do Not
Do not begin by discussing the thing on which you differ.
The Result
This set the entire organism- glandular, nervous, muscular- into a condition of rejection.ย
There is, usually in minute but sometime in observable degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal.
You may later feel that your rejection/"No" was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider.ย
It is like the movement of a Billard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; for more force to send it back in the opposite direction.
Do
Get the other person say "Yes, Yes" at the outset.
Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree.ย
Keep emphasizing, if possible that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
Ask questions which the other person would have to agree.ย
Keep the other person, if possible, from saying "no".
The Result
This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction โ accepting and open attitude.
The more "Yeses" we get, at the very outset, induce; the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
The other person that you are talking to will find himself/herself embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes preciously.
Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction.
Principle 6 - Let The Other Person Do A Great Deal Of Talking
In Business
Let the prospective customer find out the good he is going to get out of the product or service you are going to provide him.
This is also a safety valve in handling complaints.
Tip: If you don't know the prospective customer/business partner you are going to talk to, take the trouble and do a little research about their life (struggles and accomplishments) so that you could connect with them at personal level.
In Family
Our spouse and children also want to express their thoughts, feelings, ideas without interruption and orders.
Teenagers in particular (since parents will have a hard time during this age) need confidante. They need an outlet for all their confusion about growing up- so instead of a talking parent they need listening ones.
In Social Relations
Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their joys and achievements than listen to us boast about ours.
The Result
This will create a unique experience that enables us to make a favorable impression which led them to do what we want them to do.
Tip on Friendship
"If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you." ~ La Rochefoucauldย
Why This Is True?
Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they- or at least some of them- will feel inferior and envious.
Principle 7 โ Whenever You Want To Get Cooperation, Let The Other Person Feel That The Idea Is His Or Hers
"I would rather walk the sidewalk before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person- from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives- was likely to answer." ~ Dean Donham of the Harvard Business School
Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter?
If so, isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people?
Remember no one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing.ย
We much prefer to feel that we are buying our own accord or acting on our ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, and our thoughts.
So, isn't it wiser to make suggestions- and let the other person think out the conclusion?
Do
Consult your wishes, wants, and thoughts and let the other person come up with the idea to make the intended thing work.ย ย
The Result
You will get the thing done.
Principle 9 - Be Sympathetic With The Other Person's Ideas And Desires
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
The people, who come to you irritated, bigoted, and unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Suppose you had inherited the same body and temperament and mind that the most โsavageโ people on the planet had. Suppose you had their environment and experience. You would then be precisely what they are - and where they are. Other alternatives are equally true. For it is these things-and only these things - that made people what they are.
Saying something like, "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do", will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive! You can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you are the other person, you, of course, would feel just as he does.ย
Principle 10 - Appeal To The Nobler Motives
"A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one." ~ J. Pierpont Morgaย
The person himself will think of the real reason (1). You don't need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think motives that sound good (2). The motives that sound good are nobler ones. The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.ย
Do
So, in order to win people to your way of thinking, appeal to the nobler motives assuming and making them feel that the person you are talking to is SINCERE, HONEST, TRUTHFUL & WILLING and ANXIOUS to take the required action that also sounds good.ย
The Result
The exceptions to this rule are comparatively few, but in most cases you get favorable reaction.ย
Principle 11 - Dramatize Your Ideas
You have seen at least one of the following Television commercials:
How an antacid medicine changes the color of the acid in a test tube while its competitors don't.
How one brand of soap or detergent gets a greasy shirt clean when the other brand leaves it gray.ย
A car maneuvering around a series of turns and curves.ย
Happy faces showing contentment with a variety of products.
Since merely stating a truth about the advantages offered by whatever is being sold isn't enough, it has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic for the viewer. This is way more effective to accomplish the advertisersโ goals, i.e., sales.
In the same way, if you want attention in business, in home life or in any other aspect of your life, you have to use showmanship. It's easy!ย
Principle 12 - Throw Down A Challenge
Q: What do you think the most motivating factor - the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating on the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory works to senior executives found to be?
Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits?
No. Not any of those.
A: The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself!
"I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself." ~ Harvey S. Firestone
If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job. That's what every successful person loves: THE GAME โ it is a chance for self-expression as well as to prove his or her worth.ย
So, when you want to get things done and nothing else works, use an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit โ STIMULATE COMPETITION a.k.a THE DESIRE TO EXCEL/WIN.ย
PART FOUR - BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
Principle 1 - If You Must Find Fault, Begin With Praise And Honest Appreciation
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain.ย The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.ย
Principle 2 - Call Attention To People's Mistakes Indirectly
Once Layman Abbott was invited to speak in the pulpit and he prepared a sermon with much meticulous care and then read it to his wife.ย His wife found it poor- as most written speeches are.ย But she didn't say "Layman, that is terrible. That'll never do." Instead, she merely remarked his written sermon would make an excellent article for the North American Review. In other word, she praised it and at the same time subtly suggested that it wouldn't do as a speech. He saw the point, tore up his carefully prepared manuscript and preached without even using notes.
Calling the other personโs attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly makes the person try to live up to our expectations. This method works wonders especially with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
Principle 3 - Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing The Other Person
Naturally, it isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior.ย
Principle 4 - Ask Questions Instead Of Giving Direct Orders
No one likes to take orders. Therefore, saying โDo this.." or "Do that..." or "Don't do this..." or "Don't do that..." results in resentment and rebellion, and resentment caused by a harsh order may last a long time, even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
Do (just suggesting ๐)
Give suggestions such as โyou might consider this...", โdo you think that would work...", โwhat do you think of this...?"
Always give people the opportunity to do things themselves. Never tell people to do things; let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.
The Result
Asking questions makes an order more palatable and encourages cooperation by saving a person's pride and giving him a feeling of importance.
Stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.
People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Mistakes can be easily corrected.
Principle 5 - Let The Other Person Save Face
Most of the time we ride roughed over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding faults, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.ย
Whereas a few moments' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!ย
"I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupรฑry
Fault finding = negative effectsย
Letting the other person save face = positive effectsย ย
Letting one save- face is very important!
Principle 6 - Praise The Slightest Improvement And Praise Every Improvement
Praising/recognition has a magic ability to inspire (and possibly transform the lives of) people with a realization of their latent possibilities as well as to encourage their improvement. The more specific the praise is the more powerful effect it has.ย
"When criticism isย minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention." ~ B.F. Skinner
Principle 7 - Give The Other Person A Fine Reputation To Live Up To
If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his outstanding characteristics.ย
"Assume a virtue, if you have it not." ~ Shakespeare
Once something is believed through affirmation, you will find what you affirmed be easy to do and as a result your life course will change. In the same manner, when you give a person a fine reputation to live up to, he will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
"The average person can be leaving readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability." ~ Samuel Vauclam
Principle 8 - Use Encouragement
If you want to help others to improve, be liberal with your encouragement, make the things seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.ย
Principle 9 - Make The Other Person Happy About Doing The Thing You Suggest
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviors of others:
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.